Someone else to focus on

By mid 2015 we thought things were getting back to normal, cancer treatment finished and as far as we knew successful. Little did we realise something just as traumatic was about to happen.

Dad told us he had kidney cancer, it had spread to the lung and he was starting oral chemotherapy immediately. I naively thought he would sail through the treatment in the same way mum had, how wrong could I be. I now needed to be there to support both of my parents.

The medication had a very bad effect on dad's health, he couldn't eat, he lost so much weight and couldn't function properly any longer. They talked about radiotherapy and more chemo and took him off the tablets over the Christmas period. He immediately felt better, we had a really nice few days, he ate normally, he was back to his old self.

After new year he was put back on the same routine, they were trying to treat both the kidney and lung cancer, I assume that is why he was so poorly. He was stubborn, we pleaded with him to contact the hospital and talk to them about how things were going but he was adamant that he wanted to see the same doctor each time.

To be honest mum became a secondary concern, she functioned, accompanied dad to appointments, tried to get him to see other people, tried to tempt him with all sorts of different foods but he wasn't interested once he was back on the tablets. I did notice her memory seemed to be getting worse, more repetitive, thank goodness I wasn't too far away, I could easily help whenever needed.

As usual we ploughed on with each day, not speaking about things just hoping that today dad would start to feel better, that today the tablets might be doing their job.

At this point I would like to explain more about my relationship with my parents. Dad was in the navy for 22 years then in the coastguard for 20, mum was a hard worker first in a children's nursery, a laundry, cleaning and ultimately a carer for the elderly. Both had time away, both had to cope with shift work and care was always needed to keep quiet, no noise at all in case it woke whoever was sleeping at the time.
Dad was away for very long periods while I was young. He and mum were such a close couple, they absolutely loved each other, there was never any doubt. I am sure it wasn't easy for mum to be almost a single parent and when dad returned they had to catch up on missed time. They kissed, cuddled, laughed, played crib in bed, I used to hear them counting 15 2, 15 4 and so on. I don't think they should have had a child, mum very often told me that if she had her time again she wouldn't choose to have any children and I would be mad if I had any of my own.

Dad expected the house to be run in the same way as his work, I was a child, then teenager and a girl, enough said? I didn't expect to "jump to it" as soon as someone gave an instruction. Of course they had to instil discipline but they would lash out if I didn't do as I was told, was cheeky or answered back. I was cared for, I was looked after, I had clothes, toys, I was lucky that we could afford these things. What I don't remember is any genuine affection, no hugs, kisses, words telling me I was wanted or liked. I was criticised, told I looked a mess most of the time, hair looked like rats tails, could do better at school, could run my life better, my house should be cleaner, the criticism was quite relentless for as long as I can remember.

As a consequence I avoided telling them, especially my mum anything. I would lie rather than have to deal with her questioning and undermining everything I did. I would love to know why was she like this, she genuinely loved and cared about the elderly people she looked after, she loved my dad, she seemed to adore other peoples children, our dogs, what was wrong with me that she felt she needed to act this way. Should she have had more children, perhaps that would have helped ……

Dad was universally liked, outwardly easy going, always smiling, good company, loyal, hard working but so incredibly strict. If I am honest I also adored him once I grew up and had left home.

What I am trying to understand is why I feel so loyal to both of my parents, despite their apparent lack of love towards me in the past. I will do anything for them and help in any way I can.